Friday 11 September 2026
Today’s shopping list is daunting. Lessos, petticoats and boxers for Awendo, knickers and gel nail accoutrements for Mombasa, and neem oil for Mama B to pick up. I appreciate that might not sound like a lot, but factor in the nightmare that is Nairobi traffic and it is a full day. You know when, on a video, someone takes the top off of a beehive to show the inside ? It is a bit like that, but with much less purpose, more toxic fumes, a lot more aggro and no apparent rules. So anything and everything takes about five times as long as it should. We try for the manicure stuff in Kawangware – fail. We head to town to try two more big cosmetic and hair places. Gel nails, it seems, are no longer the must have in Kenya. The traffic is just horrendous. Everywhere. And everywhere we want to stop requires a little bung to whomever considers this bit of kerb to be his patch. If we can get a patch. I get a couple of colours and spend too much time on street corners waiting on David who has to drive around when there are no parking spaces. Standing on a street corner in these areas in Nairobi is a little like being a virgin at The Hungry Vampire’s Ball. Albeit I cannot remember how it feels to be a virgin anywhere. After that failure, we go to Eastleigh to bicker with Somali boys about the price of knickers. I am, for some reason, really tired and, as Souad knows, when I get tired like this, any ability to function like a grown up disappears. But we get everything on the list, spend waaaay to much time bickering with Somali ladies over horrible Chinese lesos and leave without buying any.
I REALLY need what the Americans call ‘ a comfort break’. But there is no comfort to be had. So we set off for Corner. And I clench.
I clench for more than an hour, as it transpires. And relax when we get to Ngong Road and Prestige Shopping Centre where, much to my horror, I find a lovely loo but no loo roll. Question : do you think the Inland Revenue will accept “I had to use them to wipe my arse in a Kenyan toilet” as an excuse for missing some receipts on this trip ??? Note to self : always carry tissue.
